Emily Don't Like it... Shock the Casbah

pics from new york

2007-09-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

here are some pics from new york! enjoy!!!!
yummy pizza!! our first night at new york! in the ghettos of harlem
priya got sick of walking and tried to jump, but i saved the day!
my two sexys are being chased by scary armor men!
this was very funny, we're trying to copy the little sculpture, mina is the lion and im the man
yes that is the lovely sara jessica parker, or her sexy muscular backside, filming the sex and the city movie
this was the best coffee ever! really
at times square, we went to our favorite store: SEPHORA!!!
harptellica, yes folks, its metallica on harps!!!
no no no dont look at me, its the hot guy in the back u should focus on, we basically followed him around moma so we can take pictures of him.....creepy? stalkerish? i beg ur pardon
hey look! we made friends!!! ..... yea right
this is the coolest thing ever! we're all gunna become honorary arabs when we show them this!!!
doesnt this just melt ur heart? i wish i were the one mounting mina
gelato!!! this is when some ugly bitch called priya an arab bitch and a whore, jealous much?
awwww how can u resist?
so i think we have mastered the art of self taking pictures
the COOLEST airline ever!!!! EVERYONE should go on virgin america!!!!
new york!!!
central park
this takes skill
hands up! this is the NYPD!!!
roomie love

2007-09-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mr T, miss priya and I just came back from new york yesterday and we had a great time
heres the good things about the lovely big apple
1) everything stays open super late, restaurants, bars, clubs, delis, which is great! cus u can go eat greasy chinese food anytime u want!
2) the buildings are so cool cus they have FIRE ESCAPE ladders!!! awesome awesome awesome
3) cute guys, CUTE GUYS, especially at the museum of modern art
4) lots of black people! YIPPEEEEEEEE
5) nice people everywhere, especially people who really know their directions!
6) the BEST PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION ever!! why cant freaken LA have subways?!
7) piercing guy! Peter Alejandro Miguel Lopez Hernandez the third, who im gunna have hot chincano babies with, dont worry mo we will still have our 5 babies ok

and lots of other great stuff about new york
and the lovely priya got her nose pierced! she looks like an indian princess, i want to bow down and kiss her feeties

Crotchless Panties, Hair-Nourishing Shampoo, & A-Cup Underwire Bras

2007-09-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

I don't really understand any of these, I mean, what's the point?! They don't make any sense. It's a lot like men isn't it? They all do things that are COMPLETELY pointless, not even just pointless, completely...what DO they do? I mean "nourishing" shampoo? Hair is DEAD. Last time I checked even if one WANTED to feed dead things, they just don't swallow...or you know...metabolize...because it is actually technically possible to force something down someone's throat... I read a thing once that went "Mean people suck; nice people swallow; stupid people choke; and weird people gargle." I was in middle school at the time and wondered if it was even possible to gargle one's own saliva. But that's not the main point, which is crotchless undergarments.

Why exactly would one wear crotchless underwear? Isn't the entire point of underwear to put a barrier between one's privates and outerwear? This is done to prevent such unpleasant incidents as chaffing...or bacterial infections...or pictures of one's vagina circulating on the Internet. Well, maybe some people like their privates well ventilated, but couldn't a person get all the effects of crotchless panties by simply not wearing any at all? In my experience, crotchless undergarments seem to be rather more expensive than their...crotchful counterparts, so why should or more to the point why would one pay that sum of money for a scrap of fabric that essentially serves no purpose and isn't even that well-made, I mean, to my knowledge, crotchless panties aren't charmeuse and bias cut. Well, I suppose one could feasibly do so out of bias tape, but why would the effort be taken? But why would the effort be taken to purchase and wear such things? I guess anything is possible.

In conclusion, I fail to see the purpose of crotchless underwear and do not understand the reason for their existence. If you can help me discover the answer to this perplexing problem, please, do enlighten me. The only thing I can think of is so that the next time an untalented, shameless, ill-mannered, vacuous, and vulgar excuse for a celebrity exposes herself (or himself in the interest of gender equality but I don't believe I've ever heard of crotchless underwear for men), the excuse is available that it wasn't her (or his) fault because undergarments were worn.

P.S. I do realize, albeit a bit belatedly that I have compared men to crotchless panties...and rather unfavourably at that.

Prince Harry is magic

2007-09-06T03:23:00.000-07:00

So...the summer of the Shocker Crew is over, but I thought I might bring you what I found to be a rather amusing AIM conversation between Mina and I just a few hours ago.

Background: We are talking about a VERY attractive guy that we (of course) don't know but Lenalicious has the privilege of being acquainted with (oh, and he's not Prince Harry...his name's not even Harry or anything remotely similar). Creepy stalkers? Us? How DARE you!

Mr. T: he's more like artwork
Mr. T: he's not practical
Mr. T: it's not for use, it's for viewing pleasure
Mr. T: so it doesnt matter you know
Connielingus: EXACTLY!!!
Connielingus: thats my take
Connielingus: i would love a fixture of him just to like hang somewhere
Connielingus: like an accessory
Mr. T: hahah
Mr. T: living statue?*
Connielingus: HAHAHAHA!!!
Connielingus: EXACTLY!!!
Connielingus: a living statue of him would ADD to our status
Mr. T: let's propose that idea to him
Mr. T: i'm sure he'd love to
Connielingus: HAHA
Connielingus: im sure he wouldnt mind since arent u pretty much doing the same thing as a model?
Mr. T: yeah for sure
Mr. T: except like 500,000 dollars less for each hour
Connielingus: haha
Connielingus: well, wed put him in a communal place
Connielingus: so everyone could benefit
Connielingus: and wed charge a fee
Mr. T: oh that's smart!
Mr. T: oh yes
Connielingus: haha
Mr. T: why dont we put him in like a square
Connielingus: right!
Mr. T: like a city square
Mr. T: and put a tax on it
Connielingus: EXACTLY
Mr. T: city beautification tax
Connielingus: yup
Mr. T: perfect
Mr. T: okay let's tell him at the party/priya's bday
Mr. T: so yeah
Mr. T: i want a british bf
Connielingus: HAHAHA
Connielingus: join the club...
Connielingus: the line for british bf distribution goes around the block
Connielingus: 3 times
Mr. T: hahahaha i know...
Mr. T: UGH
Mr. T: i have a problem though, i can't comprehend british

*Whoever can tell me what we are making reference to here without googling will receive...banana nut bread (nuts optional)

Well, on that note, I hope you appreciated the colour coding with colours pleasant to the eye and found the conversation a somewhat diverting waste of 5 minutes.

Well...it may be that we may never meet again anonymous readers, so leave a comment. Would you pay the beautification tax or exercise civil disobedience in the protest of objectification of male models? Do you also want a British boyfriend...or girlfriend...or boyfriend... Are you also swooning while clandestinely scratching your head in confusion when our British cousins open their mouths? Are you actually having such trouble understanding because you're not really listening but furtively conjuring up a gamut of innovative ways in which those mouths could be put to better use than speaking in tongues? (Word of advice: Your imagination may not have limits but the physical body does, all British people are not "magic" contrary to what JK Rowling, Sir Ian McKellan, and Prince Harry of Wales would have us believe.) Whatever the case may be, I look forward to reading your comments, so please, give this poor disturbed girl something to read...

P.S. Please pardon the excessive use of parentheticals in this post. It makes me feel closer to you as parentheticals are supposed to be an author directly addressing the reader. (We'll just ignore the minor detail that a blog by definition and intention addresses the reader directly...and that this is yet another parenthetical...)

First Post EVER

2007-08-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago I had dreamt I was a male prostitute on the lam. I really don't understand any of the logic behind this, and am concerned by the fact that no sexual activity was featured in the dream.

All right, there I've finished my first post ever. A very anticlimactic accomplishment. HUZZAH!

-Onomatopriya

My first post--I made a bloody mess popping this blogger cherry!

2007-07-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

"Little kids were just going at it," Lena says as I'm typing.
Going at what? I thought to myself, hmm, dirty pervs.

Audio slurpy- Take it bitch, take it! No, no nunu! Bend over bitch!

Damn, I can't formulate a complete thought without being distracted by another thought. (NO MORE NIPPLES FOR YOU LENA!) I wonder if Mina and Priya can smell the stench comming from the couch. It smells like shit in a bowl.

Direction, nope! No direction in this blog. I've made a bloody mess of my first blog and I don't give a flying fuck.

Alright, everyone I have to go read "Harry Pooter and the trials of crabs."

That is SO MySpace...

2007-07-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

To our dearest readers,

As some of you may have noticed, we Diamond Headers lack what most people call "a life." While most college students may be out partying or even (God forbid) studying, my apartment mates and I occupied ourselves with an activity that fully exhibits our fear of productivity.

Yes, you guessed it! We spent our night digitally capturing ourselves in the most hipster/emo/MySpace way we knew how.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the results...

Impressed? Yes, for those of you who are aspiring MySpacers/Hipsters/emo Facebookers, I shall provide you with some valuable tips on taking the most excellent pseudoartisic pictures:

1. Play with lighting! The more irregular the lighting the better. Hint: Drape brightly colored cloth over your regular desk or floor lamp or make the light face a different way.

2. Create shadows. This is going along with the first tip. Place the light in such a way that 55% or more of your face is indiscernible. This symbolizes the darkness that clouds over your troubled soul.

3. Attach headphones to noggin area. This could mean nesting on your ears or cradling your neck. Generally, the bigger the headphones, the better. The headphones undoubtedly will be streaming indie music.

4. Sepia or Black&White filter. Obviously, any picture taken in sepia or b&w HAS to be deemed artistic right?! RIGHT!

5. Mirror mirror on the wall. The multiple angles represent your struggle with duality. Oh the internal conflict!

6. Make use of props. Cigarettes, musical instruments, art/magazine cut-outs in background (attempts at social commentary=bonus), emo glasses, "intellectual" books (i.e. any non-HP books or Oprah's Book Club...and make sure the camera captures the book title so your fans can be amazed at your literary proficiency),etc.

7. If you have hair, make use of it. Meaning, the more of your face your side-swept bangs (fake it if you don't have 'em) covers, the better. It will give your whole face a sultry, enigmatic look.

8. Black hoodies. You know the drill. No need to explain.

9. Location is everything! Bathrooms (inside bathtub, on top of toilet), closets, street side, staircase, corners...Shady places are money.

and finally, our last and MOST IMPORTANT RULE...

10. NEVER LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA. Imagine the camera to be the devil (or Martha Stewart... same person?) if need be. Making eye contact with the camera is strictly prohibited in said pictures. One major exception is if you are taking a close up of your eye area only.

With these tips handy, you can be sure to be accepted into the ultra-exclusive MySpace community! Enjoy and Godspeed!

Much platonic love,
Mr. T

GUYS: how to get into girls' pants

2007-07-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

A. learn to kiss - kissing is very important. kiss well and we will automatically think you do other things.. well. If you're not sure if you're a good kisser, just do the following: don't jam your tongue down her esophagus and don't slather your saliva all over her face. Follow that and you should be fine... or somewhat decent. No one should have to feel suffocated while kissing and no one should ever EVER have to wipe their face five times to get rid of the spit you so generously shared. Just the thought of that makes me want to vomit.

B. learn to speak French, or at least learn to speak English with a French accent. Trust me, do that and you will make girls melt. Say stuff like, "what is ________ (word you don't understand)" and when we tell you what it means, say "ah ah ah I see." When you see other French speaking people, make sure you go up to them and converse with them in French. This is guaranteed to make any girl feel the need to change her panties.

C. Don't play up the whole "doing that will make me look gay" act. Frankly, it's a turn off. If you're comfortable with your sexuality, you don't have to prevent yourself from doing something because the public might regard it as "gay". It is perfectly OK to share food with your guy buddies. It is also even MORE ok to cut up chicken and share it with your guy buds. Really. Watching you and your friends eat something together will make any girl want to eat something else.

D. Grow out your curly hair. Yes, grow it out. If you have curly hair, don't cut it. And don't put a gallon of products in it. Natural is always good. There's nothing sexier than a guy with a curly fro. Not only does it look HOT, but it also feels good when we touch it. And trust me, you will appreciate it too when we're running our hands through your hair while we.... anyway, just make sure you keep your hair cleanly washed.

E. Do be somewhat of a "mama's boy". Trust me, it's CUTE. If we're offering you something, say a tic tac, say something cute like, "my mommy told me not to take drugs". Do smile so we know your're joking. Also, if you live far from home, do say stuff like, "yes I do miss my mom sometimes". It is very, very HOT. We love mama's boys. Not the severe ones. But the cute ones who say cute stuff about their mamas. It will make you look very sweet and innoccent. And we always love to get our hands on the innoccent ones.

F. and finally, learn to say good bye. Whether it's at the end of the night, or the next morning. Don't make it awkward. Even if you don't plan to see her again, say good bye in a gentlemanly way. Ask for a number. Or even be lame and ask for an email or screenname. And if you really really don't want to see her again, make the good bye quick. Tell her you had a great time and give her a hug or SOMETHING. Don't just stand there. Even if you do want to see her again, do SOMETHING. Awkward good byes are the worst, and will make us never want to see you again. But if you do say a good good-bye, then trust me, we will be thinking about you for the rest of the day, or WEEK. And most likely, the next time you see us, you will be greatly rewarded for that good good-bye.

Lenalicious

HA-OOH!!!

2007-07-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

So I was going to write a moderately serious and ridiculously sarcastic post about...something serious. But then I came across something which I can only describe as masterpiece theatre. Watch it. I'm sure you'll agree. So in light of this profane intervention, you all have been granted a short reprieve from the sad causticness which passes for wit in my disturbed psyche. Hallelujah!!!

Popping the Shocker Cherry

2007-06-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

ok...so everyone must either be shy or have lives cus no one is posting!!!! so i'm gunna be the first one because i am SO BORED at home.
but here is something that i thought was funny...
two asian guys in the car next to us. they both wore glasses. my mom says, "the bad thing about if you guys marry chinese boys is that they always look so nerdy with their glasses. even if they're not nerdy they still look it...so you guys will have nerdy looking husbands."
HAHAHAHA ok so yea that was the highlight of my day...besides finding out that connie is gunna live with us! yayyyy!!!
btw everyone, harry potter is coming out in like 20 some days!!!!!!! ok alright time to conclude this TOTALLY useless post. i need to go get myself a life.

Lenalicious

Welcome to a New Era!

2007-06-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

Greetings Friends, Family, Foes...and those unnamed individuals of minute significance to our existence!

We would like to welcome you to our fresh-out-of-the-cyberwomb team blog, sure to provide you with seconds--yes, SECONDS!--of passable entertainment.

Let us introduce the starting players of this blog (players of course because it is a TEAM blog correct?)

Player #1: Connie >> Connielingus

Player stats: This girl...you look at her and think shes the sweetest thing because she walks around with this gigantic smile on her face. She also sways her hips as she walks, so if you're a guy, you automatically think she's coming onto you (actually, you don't have to be a guy to think that. There were many times when I thought Connie was hitting on me). But it turns out she's just this tease with the big smile who likes to talk about philosophy, politics, religion, music, art, literary theory, and how she wouldn't mind stripping. Yes, what a tease. But we love her because she's from the INLAND EMPIRE (i'm really not sure what that means, but she is from Redlands, which is the largest orange production place and apparently, also the site for some pretty gruesome murders. *shudders*) And you wonder how Connie is the way she is? But yes. We love her and the place where she's from. Apparently, she also lived in Wisconsin when she was younger, specifically Oshkosh...B'GOSH! But yea... may the Grammar Goddess be with you, lest the Fem-Nazi attack.

Player #2: Lena >> Lenalicious

Player stats: :Lena is from the land of bleached blondes and fake tits. A side note: 85% of OC women have breast implants. Lena does not want to be in the minority, therefore, in five years she will bleach her hair blonde and also get a nice hard set of double Ds. Furthermore, because OC is also known as the most boring place on earth, please do not expect to read any smart or witty posts. As all people who have lived in OC long enough and managed to survive its bombardment of mystic tans and botox injections, they have also unfortunately sacrificed their intelligence. Wait a minute...are people really like this? I think I've watched one too many episode of The Real Housewives of OC....

Player #3: Mauricio >> Dirty MOEther Fucker

Player stats: Mauricio, or Mo as his tongue-tied friends prefer to call him, is representin' DHS--Desert Hot Springs. He is famous for his acrobatic lap dances, on the spot song-writing, and impromptu interpretive dancing in the living room. You may recognize him from the controversial hit drama, El Papel, where he played the "streetsmart-but-sucks-at-Algebra undocumented Mexican boy" opposite Ricky Martin's Doppelganger (aka Menudo's 6th member). Mauricio is arguably the whitest-looking slash most Asian Mexican you may ever encounter. He is known to melt the hearts of females (especially Slavic middle-aged women) whenever he starts crooning with his angelic voice. After he conquers American Idol, he is destined to become the next global sex symbol, in the fashion of the Great Hasselhoff. Another thing of note is that without his recent obsession with The Shocker gesture (two in the pink, one in the stink; two in the goo, one in the poo; plus a multitude of other catchy mnemonic rhymes), The Shocker Posse would not be in existence today.

Player #4: Mina >> Mr. T.

Player stats: Mina hails from the suburbs of the city of the Windy and/or the Second [A little-known trivia: "Windy," contrary to popular belief, is not referring to the average wind velocity in the city. It's actually referring to the turbulent politics in the past. As to why it's called The Second City... well why don't you be a doll and Wikipedia it and let her know?] She derives enjoyment from peeling shrimp skin, firm handshakes, F=ma, eating the skin off of warmed milk, and the phrase "Nigga please," which is definitely under- circulated in her colloquial repertoire. Contrarily, she shudders at the thought of wasting $2.25 on laundry more than once an academic quarter, the sound of open-mouth chewing (this epidemic MUST stop NOW), being poked anywhere on her body but especially her mid area, and post-structuralism.

Player #5: Priya >>Onomatopriya.

Player stats: From looking at her brown skin color, one wouldn't be surprised to discover that she is an immigrant to the Americas. However, you may be rather intrigued to find out that she actually crossed the border with a beautiful maroon British passport. This girl is straight up FOB, having only lived in the States for the last 7 years or so. She is a reluctant OC convert, where she had the pleasure of meeting a certain Miss Lenalicious at the local high school, who consistently smuggled Doritos from Priya's daily lunch sack. Regardless, Priya has the strange ability to induce erections in men AND women (they actually form a penis as they are conversing with her) simply with her sexy British accent. She is a self-proclaimed vegetable bigot, musical elitist, and a punnagephile (yes, that is the lover of puns and clever word play). She is currently in the process of perfecting her white boy moves so she can get down on the dance floor. She has accomplished to master The Sprinkler, Drive the Bus, and The Running Man thus far among others. Make sure to track her progress throughout the summer!

We hope that we provided you with enough background information on our players to get a sense of where their entries are coming from. Oh, to clarify our blog title, Emily is our lovely Russian apartment manager who, unbeknownst to her, has provided the tenants of 660 Veteran with much entertainment over the last few years. Spaceeba bolshoe (That's "Thank you very much" in Russky).

Please enjoy our conglomeration of inane ramblings, daily observations, furious rants, and otherwise nonsensical aggregation of words stacked up high and mighty for your enjoyment. We truly do appreciate your readership. Without it, well, where would we be? Probably in the same place but really, isn't that besides the point?

Yours truly,
The Shocker Posse