Welcome to a New Era!

Greetings Friends, Family, Foes...and those unnamed individuals of minute significance to our existence!

We would like to welcome you to our fresh-out-of-the-cyberwomb team blog, sure to provide you with seconds--yes, SECONDS!--of passable entertainment.

Let us introduce the starting players of this blog (players of course because it is a TEAM blog correct?)

Player #1: Connie >> Connielingus

Player stats: This girl...you look at her and think shes the sweetest thing because she walks around with this gigantic smile on her face. She also sways her hips as she walks, so if you're a guy, you automatically think she's coming onto you (actually, you don't have to be a guy to think that. There were many times when I thought Connie was hitting on me). But it turns out she's just this tease with the big smile who likes to talk about philosophy, politics, religion, music, art, literary theory, and how she wouldn't mind stripping. Yes, what a tease. But we love her because she's from the INLAND EMPIRE (i'm really not sure what that means, but she is from Redlands, which is the largest orange production place and apparently, also the site for some pretty gruesome murders. *shudders*) And you wonder how Connie is the way she is? But yes. We love her and the place where she's from. Apparently, she also lived in Wisconsin when she was younger, specifically Oshkosh...B'GOSH! But yea... may the Grammar Goddess be with you, lest the Fem-Nazi attack.

Player #2: Lena >> Lenalicious

Player stats: :Lena is from the land of bleached blondes and fake tits. A side note: 85% of OC women have breast implants. Lena does not want to be in the minority, therefore, in five years she will bleach her hair blonde and also get a nice hard set of double Ds. Furthermore, because OC is also known as the most boring place on earth, please do not expect to read any smart or witty posts. As all people who have lived in OC long enough and managed to survive its bombardment of mystic tans and botox injections, they have also unfortunately sacrificed their intelligence. Wait a minute...are people really like this? I think I've watched one too many episode of The Real Housewives of OC....

Player #3: Mauricio >> Dirty MOEther Fucker

Player stats: Mauricio, or Mo as his tongue-tied friends prefer to call him, is representin' DHS--Desert Hot Springs. He is famous for his acrobatic lap dances, on the spot song-writing, and impromptu interpretive dancing in the living room. You may recognize him from the controversial hit drama, El Papel, where he played the "streetsmart-but-sucks-at-Algebra undocumented Mexican boy" opposite Ricky Martin's Doppelganger (aka Menudo's 6th member). Mauricio is arguably the whitest-looking slash most Asian Mexican you may ever encounter. He is known to melt the hearts of females (especially Slavic middle-aged women) whenever he starts crooning with his angelic voice. After he conquers American Idol, he is destined to become the next global sex symbol, in the fashion of the Great Hasselhoff. Another thing of note is that without his recent obsession with The Shocker gesture (two in the pink, one in the stink; two in the goo, one in the poo; plus a multitude of other catchy mnemonic rhymes), The Shocker Posse would not be in existence today.

Player #4: Mina >> Mr. T.

Player stats: Mina hails from the suburbs of the city of the Windy and/or the Second [A little-known trivia: "Windy," contrary to popular belief, is not referring to the average wind velocity in the city. It's actually referring to the turbulent politics in the past. As to why it's called The Second City... well why don't you be a doll and Wikipedia it and let her know?] She derives enjoyment from peeling shrimp skin, firm handshakes, F=ma, eating the skin off of warmed milk, and the phrase "Nigga please," which is definitely under- circulated in her colloquial repertoire. Contrarily, she shudders at the thought of wasting $2.25 on laundry more than once an academic quarter, the sound of open-mouth chewing (this epidemic MUST stop NOW), being poked anywhere on her body but especially her mid area, and post-structuralism.

Player #5: Priya >>Onomatopriya.

Player stats: From looking at her brown skin color, one wouldn't be surprised to discover that she is an immigrant to the Americas. However, you may be rather intrigued to find out that she actually crossed the border with a beautiful maroon British passport. This girl is straight up FOB, having only lived in the States for the last 7 years or so. She is a reluctant OC convert, where she had the pleasure of meeting a certain Miss Lenalicious at the local high school, who consistently smuggled Doritos from Priya's daily lunch sack. Regardless, Priya has the strange ability to induce erections in men AND women (they actually form a penis as they are conversing with her) simply with her sexy British accent. She is a self-proclaimed vegetable bigot, musical elitist, and a punnagephile (yes, that is the lover of puns and clever word play). She is currently in the process of perfecting her white boy moves so she can get down on the dance floor. She has accomplished to master The Sprinkler, Drive the Bus, and The Running Man thus far among others. Make sure to track her progress throughout the summer!

We hope that we provided you with enough background information on our players to get a sense of where their entries are coming from. Oh, to clarify our blog title, Emily is our lovely Russian apartment manager who, unbeknownst to her, has provided the tenants of 660 Veteran with much entertainment over the last few years. Spaceeba bolshoe (That's "Thank you very much" in Russky).

Please enjoy our conglomeration of inane ramblings, daily observations, furious rants, and otherwise nonsensical aggregation of words stacked up high and mighty for your enjoyment. We truly do appreciate your readership. Without it, well, where would we be? Probably in the same place but really, isn't that besides the point?



Yours truly,
The Shocker Posse