"Little kids were just going at it," Lena says as I'm typing.
Going at what? I thought to myself, hmm, dirty pervs.
Audio slurpy- Take it bitch, take it! No, no nunu! Bend over bitch!
Damn, I can't formulate a complete thought without being distracted by another thought. (NO MORE NIPPLES FOR YOU LENA!) I wonder if Mina and Priya can smell the stench comming from the couch. It smells like shit in a bowl.
Direction, nope! No direction in this blog. I've made a bloody mess of my first blog and I don't give a flying fuck.
Alright, everyone I have to go read "Harry Pooter and the trials of crabs."
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
That is SO MySpace...
To our dearest readers,
As some of you may have noticed, we Diamond Headers lack what most people call "a life." While most college students may be out partying or even (God forbid) studying, my apartment mates and I occupied ourselves with an activity that fully exhibits our fear of productivity.
Yes, you guessed it! We spent our night digitally capturing ourselves in the most hipster/emo/MySpace way we knew how.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the results...
Impressed? Yes, for those of you who are aspiring MySpacers/Hipsters/emo Facebookers, I shall provide you with some valuable tips on taking the most excellent pseudoartisic pictures:
1. Play with lighting! The more irregular the lighting the better. Hint: Drape brightly colored cloth over your regular desk or floor lamp or make the light face a different way.
2. Create shadows. This is going along with the first tip. Place the light in such a way that 55% or more of your face is indiscernible. This symbolizes the darkness that clouds over your troubled soul.
3. Attach headphones to noggin area. This could mean nesting on your ears or cradling your neck. Generally, the bigger the headphones, the better. The headphones undoubtedly will be streaming indie music.
4. Sepia or Black&White filter. Obviously, any picture taken in sepia or b&w HAS to be deemed artistic right?! RIGHT!
5. Mirror mirror on the wall. The multiple angles represent your struggle with duality. Oh the internal conflict!
6. Make use of props. Cigarettes, musical instruments, art/magazine cut-outs in background (attempts at social commentary=bonus), emo glasses, "intellectual" books (i.e. any non-HP books or Oprah's Book Club...and make sure the camera captures the book title so your fans can be amazed at your literary proficiency),etc.
7. If you have hair, make use of it. Meaning, the more of your face your side-swept bangs (fake it if you don't have 'em) covers, the better. It will give your whole face a sultry, enigmatic look.
8. Black hoodies. You know the drill. No need to explain.
9. Location is everything! Bathrooms (inside bathtub, on top of toilet), closets, street side, staircase, corners...Shady places are money.
and finally, our last and MOST IMPORTANT RULE...
10. NEVER LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA. Imagine the camera to be the devil (or Martha Stewart... same person?) if need be. Making eye contact with the camera is strictly prohibited in said pictures. One major exception is if you are taking a close up of your eye area only.
With these tips handy, you can be sure to be accepted into the ultra-exclusive MySpace community! Enjoy and Godspeed!
Much platonic love,
Mr. T
GUYS: how to get into girls' pants
A. learn to kiss - kissing is very important. kiss well and we will automatically think you do other things.. well. If you're not sure if you're a good kisser, just do the following: don't jam your tongue down her esophagus and don't slather your saliva all over her face. Follow that and you should be fine... or somewhat decent. No one should have to feel suffocated while kissing and no one should ever EVER have to wipe their face five times to get rid of the spit you so generously shared. Just the thought of that makes me want to vomit.
B. learn to speak French, or at least learn to speak English with a French accent. Trust me, do that and you will make girls melt. Say stuff like, "what is ________ (word you don't understand)" and when we tell you what it means, say "ah ah ah I see." When you see other French speaking people, make sure you go up to them and converse with them in French. This is guaranteed to make any girl feel the need to change her panties.
C. Don't play up the whole "doing that will make me look gay" act. Frankly, it's a turn off. If you're comfortable with your sexuality, you don't have to prevent yourself from doing something because the public might regard it as "gay". It is perfectly OK to share food with your guy buddies. It is also even MORE ok to cut up chicken and share it with your guy buds. Really. Watching you and your friends eat something together will make any girl want to eat something else.
D. Grow out your curly hair. Yes, grow it out. If you have curly hair, don't cut it. And don't put a gallon of products in it. Natural is always good. There's nothing sexier than a guy with a curly fro. Not only does it look HOT, but it also feels good when we touch it. And trust me, you will appreciate it too when we're running our hands through your hair while we.... anyway, just make sure you keep your hair cleanly washed.
E. Do be somewhat of a "mama's boy". Trust me, it's CUTE. If we're offering you something, say a tic tac, say something cute like, "my mommy told me not to take drugs". Do smile so we know your're joking. Also, if you live far from home, do say stuff like, "yes I do miss my mom sometimes". It is very, very HOT. We love mama's boys. Not the severe ones. But the cute ones who say cute stuff about their mamas. It will make you look very sweet and innoccent. And we always love to get our hands on the innoccent ones.
F. and finally, learn to say good bye. Whether it's at the end of the night, or the next morning. Don't make it awkward. Even if you don't plan to see her again, say good bye in a gentlemanly way. Ask for a number. Or even be lame and ask for an email or screenname. And if you really really don't want to see her again, make the good bye quick. Tell her you had a great time and give her a hug or SOMETHING. Don't just stand there. Even if you do want to see her again, do SOMETHING. Awkward good byes are the worst, and will make us never want to see you again. But if you do say a good good-bye, then trust me, we will be thinking about you for the rest of the day, or WEEK. And most likely, the next time you see us, you will be greatly rewarded for that good good-bye.
Lenalicious
B. learn to speak French, or at least learn to speak English with a French accent. Trust me, do that and you will make girls melt. Say stuff like, "what is ________ (word you don't understand)" and when we tell you what it means, say "ah ah ah I see." When you see other French speaking people, make sure you go up to them and converse with them in French. This is guaranteed to make any girl feel the need to change her panties.
C. Don't play up the whole "doing that will make me look gay" act. Frankly, it's a turn off. If you're comfortable with your sexuality, you don't have to prevent yourself from doing something because the public might regard it as "gay". It is perfectly OK to share food with your guy buddies. It is also even MORE ok to cut up chicken and share it with your guy buds. Really. Watching you and your friends eat something together will make any girl want to eat something else.
D. Grow out your curly hair. Yes, grow it out. If you have curly hair, don't cut it. And don't put a gallon of products in it. Natural is always good. There's nothing sexier than a guy with a curly fro. Not only does it look HOT, but it also feels good when we touch it. And trust me, you will appreciate it too when we're running our hands through your hair while we.... anyway, just make sure you keep your hair cleanly washed.
E. Do be somewhat of a "mama's boy". Trust me, it's CUTE. If we're offering you something, say a tic tac, say something cute like, "my mommy told me not to take drugs". Do smile so we know your're joking. Also, if you live far from home, do say stuff like, "yes I do miss my mom sometimes". It is very, very HOT. We love mama's boys. Not the severe ones. But the cute ones who say cute stuff about their mamas. It will make you look very sweet and innoccent. And we always love to get our hands on the innoccent ones.
F. and finally, learn to say good bye. Whether it's at the end of the night, or the next morning. Don't make it awkward. Even if you don't plan to see her again, say good bye in a gentlemanly way. Ask for a number. Or even be lame and ask for an email or screenname. And if you really really don't want to see her again, make the good bye quick. Tell her you had a great time and give her a hug or SOMETHING. Don't just stand there. Even if you do want to see her again, do SOMETHING. Awkward good byes are the worst, and will make us never want to see you again. But if you do say a good good-bye, then trust me, we will be thinking about you for the rest of the day, or WEEK. And most likely, the next time you see us, you will be greatly rewarded for that good good-bye.
Lenalicious
Sunday, July 8, 2007
HA-OOH!!!
So I was going to write a moderately serious and ridiculously sarcastic post about...something serious. But then I came across something which I can only describe as masterpiece theatre. Watch it. I'm sure you'll agree. So in light of this profane intervention, you all have been granted a short reprieve from the sad causticness which passes for wit in my disturbed psyche. Hallelujah!!!
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